Always second best
by Happy-in-a-poncho
Summary: Poor Nellie Lovett has always come second...


Nellie Lovett had always come second. Even when she was a child, and had been Nellie Armstrong and had never even heard of Albert Lovett, there was always someone to outshine her. Her best friend, Lucy King, was pretty and pale, with hair the colour of wheat, sky blue eyes and a kind, soft-spoken nature. Even her name was beautiful: Lucinda Marie King. And then there was Nellie, who walked a foot or two behind, boisterous Nellie, the Nellie who played with the boys whenever they found a mud pool, Nellie whose only dress had been passed down along four sisters, stupid Nellie, Smelly Nellie. That was what they had chanted at her, since the first Sunday she had gone to school. But Lucy had rescued her like an angel sent from God in heaven, folding a slim, white arm around Nell's shoulder and leading her away. She was the kind of sister Nellie had never had and had always longed for, loving and gentle, speaking to her in a soft, sweet voice that forever echoed in Nellie's memory. Her own sisters were cruel, blaming her for their mother's death, teasing her about her dark hair and telling her that no one would ever care for her. Lucy was a welcome break from the cruelty of everyone else. She was a mother, sister and friend all in one.

And then one day, when they were fifteen years old, someone new joined their group of misfits: Sweet, shy Benjamin Barker, with his shock of deep brown hair and his black eyes. He was sixteen, and had just moved to this part of London with his father, who was a barber, and looking for someone to replace Benjamin's mother, who had been dead nigh on three years this summer. Nellie found herself listening to Benjamin intently whenever he spoke. Nellie Armstrong, the girl who had never wanted to learn, now longed for knowledge with every fibre of her being. She found every subject that he told her about fascinating, whether astronomy or history, geography or even science. With a jolt, Nellie realised she was in love.

Unfortunately, so did Lucy. Six years later, Benjamin approached her parents and Lucy and Benjamin were wed. Nellie, needless to say, was heartbroken. She ran, straight into the arms of Albert. He was kind, charming and a few years older than her. When he asked her father for her hand, Nellie was passed on like a piece of meat in her father's shop, sold to the highest bidder. Her sisters were all married and with Nellie 'off his hands' her father could enjoy the remaining years of his life in peace. Albert was wonderful, but Nellie was not in love with him, and nor could she ever picture being. Nellie Armstrong became Nellie Lovett as Lucy King became Lucy Barker, but the problem was only one of them was happy.

When Benjamin and Lucy rented the room above Nell and Albert's pie shop, she should have been happy. However, Nellie found herself weeping when she should have been baking, especially when Lucy fell pregnant. Albert, on the one occasion he found her curled up in a sobbing heap by the oven, put it down to wanting a child. Nellie told him that he was right, feeling that the truth would be too much to handle: the truth that she was in love, desperately, madly, deeply in love with her best friends husband, and not her own. So, Nellie Lovett found herself pregnant shortly after Lucy had given birth to her Joanna. Nellie faked happiness, discussing clothes and dolls and little lace caps with Lucy and Albert, all the while feeling guilty for wishing with all her heart that it was Benjamin's child she was carrying.

After nine months, she gave birth to a little baby girl. Lucy laughed and clapped when she heard the news, crying that the baby would be a perfect playmate for Joanna. Nellie nodded, feeling sick to her stomach as she looked at her baby. She looked so much like Albert that Nellie knew she would not be able to love her. That poor child that she was holding, through no fault of its own, would have just a loveless life as Nellie herself did. But then the child grabbed Nellie's finger, and held so tightly that Nellie though her heart would burst. It was then that she realised, no matter how much the child looked like the man she didn't love, Nellie could still dote upon this new little girl. She was named Eva, the start of Nellie's new life.

For a single, glorious year, everything was right with the world. Nellie adored her daughter and Benjamin and Lucy were happy with tiny Joanna. Eva was strapped to her mother's chest when she baked, such was Nellie's desire to never be parted from her. The girl would giggle and try to catch the flour being sprinkled, but it would just trickle through her chubby fists. Nellie would smile, and everyone who knew her would be happy, now that Nellie was finally contented with her life. That was when thing started to go wrong.

The first thing to shatter the illusion was Albert's illness and sudden, unexpected death. Nellie had never been in love with him, but she came to care for him, after so many years, so the tears she shed at the funeral were genuine. He was buried on a late October's afternoon under a light rain. The children were thought to young to witness this, and so Lucy cared for them at the shop whilst Benjamin accompanied Nellie to the churchyard. As she had so often dreamed, Nellie Lovett ended up in the arms of Benjamin Barker, just in the wrong situation, the wrong place, the wrong time.

Then came Benjamin's false arrest. Then came his banishment. Then came the incident with the judge, Lucy's attempted suicide and eventual madness, her departure and then, worst of all, Joanna being snatched from Nell. Joanna and Eva were playing on the floor when two muscular men burst into the room, knocked Nellie out and took Joanna. Nellie wept for the millionth time in her life that day: Joanna was like another daughter to her, and now… now Eva was her only reason to live. She kept her even closer after that, holding her tighter, never putting her down, not even for a second, lest her reason to live be taken.

On Eva's fifth birthday, Nellie received a letter from her eldest sister apologizing for the cruelty of her youth and begging Nellie to send Eva to the school that had been set up in Paris where her sister now lived. It would mean that Eva would not have a half education, scrounging scarps of information from others just as Nellie did. She would be clever, Nellie could tell, but could she cope with out her child, that sweet little girl with a heart-shaped face, black curls and eyes the intense blue of the ocean? Could she live a single day without her tinkling laugh, her soft voice, the way she seemed to know exactly what was going on around her? Nellie had an answer. She would send Eva, to give her a better life, away from the pie shop, away from the glances of people who read the papers and believed every word. So, a case was packed and little Eva kissed her mama goodbye, got on a boat and never saw her again. A part of Nellie died that day, as she waved at her child and the sister she had always despised. She continued to wave, until she could no longer see the ship, and then she began to cry, the tears silently coursing down her cheeks.

And Nellie Lovett was once again left all alone, in the cold night air and the rain.


End file.
